The following is a copy of one of my many letters to 'thin air', I obviously wrote it in 1991 after my husband's suicide attempt and my friendship with 'A'. One of my very low points...I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!'H' has s*** on me so many times that I have switched off from him and can't seem to switch back on. I feel as though I love him more like a brother than a husband. I always feel responsible for him and, unless he's got a red hot poker up his backside constantly, he's got no self-motivation.
He has always got to be pointed in the right direction and then led. He can't seem to organise himself in any way shape or form. If I leave him alone to get on with things, in the hope that he will take control, it doesn't work. Everything gets left until eventually I can't stick it any more.
That goes for evething from housework, cooking, washing, tidying up, paying the bills through to finding himself a job.
We've been together for eight years now...
...at my 18th party he broke up with me, walked out with his best mate's girlfriend and took her home to his mother's for the weekend. When we got back together, I found this hadn't been the first time.
...when I was 19, we were living together, I returned home from a two week dog grooming course in Windsor and found a pile of letters in the glove compartment of his car. They were from a girl in Swansea that he'd allegedly met during a night out while I was away. She was a single mum and her letters spoke of how much she and her children were looking forward to seeing him again and having him stay with them.
...at 20, shortly after we were married he had a 'quickie' with a friend of ours who had an 'open-marriage'.
...Christmas/New Year 1987, I was 21, he went out one night and just didn't come home again until the early hours of the following morning. He'd met a girl he fancied through work and that was it - marriage over!! However, as she didn't want to get serious with him, we got back together again.
...January 1990 he went on a two week residential course (90-10 male to female ratio) and made 'friends' with one of the girls, keeping in touch with her after the course was over. He travelled a number of miles to see her a few times, including once taking her out for lunch when we were really broke. Another time he came home very disappointed having found out that another bloke from the course had moved in as her lodger. She phoned him a few times at home but never acknowledged me - apparently, she needed someone to talk to because her father was ill!
...August 1990 we had really hit upon hard times and in the November, we gave up our house, handing the keys back to the mortgage company before we were faced with repossession.
It was agreed that 'H' would give it until the beginning of the New Year and if his job still wasn't working out, he would find additional or alternative employment.
However, come January 1991, he just refused to even talk about it. I asked, told, begged, nagged, shouted, talked and even pleaded with him to try and at least acknowledge some of the problems we had.
Every penny I earned went of every possible bill you could think of but mu wages alone weren't enough to meet all our debts. I started working weekends and evenings baby-sitting, dog grooming, helping at the kennels and bar work, just to try and make ends meet.
'H' did write off for a few jobs but flatly refused to take 'just anything'. He wouldn't do anything in the house either. I was coming home from work to a sink load of dishes and 'H' in front of the television. If I broached the subject he would just flare up, walk out or go to bed. He just wouldn't acknowledge that there was a problem at all.
By April of 1991 I'd really had enough. No money from 'H' at all and no effort. I called it a day and he went back to his mother's for a couple of days. I really needed someone to talk to and it was from hereon that I became really close friends with 'A' . He was the perfect mate and both 'H' and I had known him for about eight years. 'A' already knew about 'H's various flings from back when they had worked together.
'H' came back from his mum's promising the earth but, after a couple of days, everything carried on just as before.
Following yet another argument, I decided to go out and subsequently stayed out all night (I went to 'A's). The following day 'H' and I had a long talk and this time we seemed to be on the same wave-length. He promised that we would work together, he'd be honest with me and there would be no more 'flings'.
That same night a female friend called round while I was out. I had my suspicions when I got home and confronted him, he swore on his father's life that nothing had happened but later admitted it and apologised.
The following day I told him to pack his stuff and go - so he went! When I got to work he was there waiting for me. We talked for a few minutes and then he left - that was it - but when I got home that night, he was waiting for me there. He said he wanted to talk things through and get things sorted between us once and for-all. I stood my ground and he eventually left.
The following morning, when I let the dogs out, I found his car parked at the bottom of the drive, with him asleep in it. I told him he could come in for a drink and use the bathroom but when I got home from work that night, he was still there and said he wasn't leaving until he had somewhere to go. In his words he told me: "I've got no money, no petrol and nowhere to stay - and I'm not going back to my mother's!"
I had borrowed money earlier for him to get petrol but he'd used it up just driving around. (I did find out later that he'd gone round to a friend of mine, who had her own house, to see if she would put him up for a while. Apparently, she refused point blank and wouldn't get involved. When I confronted him with it a few days later, he denied it at first but later said that he'd forgotten about it, didn't think it was important and didn't think it would bother me!)
At that point I told him either he goes, or I do - so I went! I went round to see 'A', had a few drinks with him and sat talking. I finally decided to go home around 2am and went straight to bed, in the spare room.
It sounded like 'H' was being violently sick in the other bedroom, so I went to check on him. He had blocked the door and I couldn't get in. When I did eventually manage to get into his room he really was being ill. He had drunk the best part of a litre bottle of brandy. I thought this was really funny, because he didn't drink, and I told him it served him right. I did sit with him though and wrapped him up to keep warm. He then told me he had also taken a large number of paracetamol.
999 - hospital job!! I followed the ambulance to the hospital and waited to hear the results of the blood tests etc. it was around 6am by the time we were able to go home - no sleep that night, We both just got ready and went to work.
Around mid-day, 'H' came up to me with a work query and then went off laughing and joking with colleagues, as if nothing had happened. I just cracked up!
From what I can remember, I was out cold for about three days solid. I just completely switched off from everything around me. They had taken me to hospital but felt I would be alright to go home. Everybody kept asking if
I had done anything silly or taken anything!
When I was more or less back to normal, I found that 'H' had kept the animals fed and watered, tidied and generally managed all round. This time he really seemed to mean it when he promised that things would be different.
During one of our 'lengthy' discussions, I phoned a local factory and got myself a job interview. We agreed that he would go for it instead. I must admit that I did have to laugh when the letter came through the door three days later saying he had got a job and could start at 6am the following Monday. I've never seen anyone look so disappointed or panic-stricken as he did at that point!! He did take it though and has stuck at it for nearly three months now.
Meanwhile, by this time, my friendship with 'A' had become a lot stronger and much deeper. 'A' had offered me the earth and I knew that I was falling in love with him. What frightened me though was whether I loved him because he was an escape route, because I needed someone or because he was everything I wanted 'H' to be. I didn't know what my real feelings were.
'A' offered me his spare room to move into. He even sorted out housing to accommodate all my animals. I could have gone to him but I was scared of being tied down again straight away and I was scared it wouldn't work out. All I really wanted to do was live on my own in the bungalow, with my animals being my only responsibility - no 'H', no 'A' and no pressure.
'H' wouldn't leave because he insisted that he could prove that we could work things out together and that he did intend to keep all his latest promises.
I didn't go to 'A' because:
...I wasn't really ready to leave my home and my lifestyle.
...I was scared of living life as a 37 year old instead of the 25 year old I still was.
...I didn't want to hurt 'A' if things didn't work out.
...I was scared in case I was making a mistake.
...I wanted a complete break, not jump out of the frying pan into the fire.
'A' had started talking about the two of us settling down and me moving in with him - even to the point of us getting married.
I know now that I really do love bot 'A' and 'H' for different reasons and in different ways. I want and need both of them but I know that's not possible and I can't bear to see either of them hurt.
'A' has never done anything at all to hurt me, quite the opposite in fact, so why should I hurt him? But, eight years is a long time to be with someone and, deep down, I am scared of losing 'H' completely.
So, I decided to call a halt to things completely with 'A' before they got too far out of hand but it really hurt him, although he said he understood. We had no more contact at all for a few weeks until 'A' phoned me late one night to say he'd put a dedication on the radio for me - "tell the world that 'A' loves 'R'. After that, things went really quiet.
I was really sick at the fact that I had lost a really good friend more than anything else, so I rang him after a while, to hopefully break the ice again. I did see him once more and our conversation was polite but very stilted, it was like meeting a stranger. That was it then for a few months.
Every day I find myself thinking about 'A'. I wait for the phone to ring every lunch time in case it's him and every night, as I drive home, I just want to keep driving until I get to his house.
Yesterday, I had a confrontation with 'H's boss at work. Apparently 'H' had made a deal that if he didn't reach his targets by the end of the month, his boss could have me for sex. 'H' said it was just a joke and that he had no intention of letting anyone have sex with me, it was meant to be an incentive for him but I don't want to be used as somebody's prize or threat - it just seems sick to me!
Last night I decided to go and see 'A' again and this time he seemed genuinely pleased to see me. We got on really well together again. We talked, laughed and watched a video of the live concert we'd been to see together.
The offers are still there and the feelings are still strong but we both know that I am staying with 'H', so nothing more will happen between us but it's hard work.
I think we both know that I won't be going round again because it hurts too much to have to pretend that we are nothing more than just good friends, when we both know that our feelings run much deeper.
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NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANY MORE!!
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