Dear John... 1991 (25)

Here's a copy of one of the letters I wrote to my friend 'A' back in 1991...

17/06/1991

Dear 'A'

You will never know how much I really care about you. The last thing on earth I wanted to do was hurt you, which I know I have - and I really am sorry.

I have decided to stay where I am and try and work things out between us. I know deep down I'm not doing it for the right reasons and at the moment it's not what I really want either.

'H' knows this but says he is prepared to bear with me and keep working at it as well. Maybe, in time, I will learn to love him properly again - I don't know.

As much as I do love you as well and I love being with you, being really honest, I am scared of jumping headlong into another permanent relationship so soon. Also, as selfish as it may sound, I'm not ready to give up my home and move away again. I have got so much going for me at the bungalow - I've got my animals and should start breeding more soon and the pet shop will be my weekend and spare-time employment.

The animal side of things I have dreamt of since I was a kid but could never imagine being able to afford to do it. Now it's here at my disposal. Although the bungalow is only rented at the moment, I do have the option to buy.

What I really want now is to be on my own but 'H' won't go and I can't make him - so I'm back to square one!

If you are honest too, if 'H' did go, would you move in with me? I don't think you would and I wouldn't blame you for it either. If I have assumed right, then maybe you can beginto understand how I feel. With 'H' working at the factory now, it's surprising just how little we see each other. Plus, my working at the weekends at the kennels gives me more time to myself without him - it does make things a lot easier.

As I said earlier, I don't know if we will ever get back to how we were and I don't really know whether I'll ever feel the same about him as I used to but, meanwhile, it's not fair to keep messing you around or to lead you on before I've really got my life sorted out once and for all and my mind straight again.

I am really sorry if my reasoning, where the bungalow and animals are concerned, seems selfish but that is being honest with myself.

I don't want you to wait for me and I certainly wouln't expect you to but, maybe if we ever meet up again as two single people, we could maybe get together again. At least then I would be able to give you 100% back.

On a different note, I have enclosed your key along with a cheque for the concert tickets - I don't want you tobe offended by my returning them (especially the money) but I feel better by doing so.

I hope one day you'll forgive me for taking the 'chicken's route, both in my decision and for writing a 'Dear John' letter to you (not my style). I know I should have told you face to face but I can't bear the thought of seeing you upset.

I love you too much deep down to see you hurt.

I would still love to hear from you if you want to ring at all - but I'll understand if you don't. Thanks again for everything and please believe me when I say I am truly sorry.

I don't think you'll ever know how much I love you and I am really going to miss you.

Take care of yourself please and look after 'Big-Dog' - I'll miss him too.

All my love
'R'
xxx