I Remember...

Here's something I wrote - dated 19/09/1988... (I'm going to copy it, virtually as it was written originally, so please excuse any bad grammar etc. - I am going to change names though and any directly identifying features.)

I Remember

I went back to school today, only for a visit! I'm twenty two now and it's nearly seven years since I left.

I'll have been married for two years tomorrow, my old teachers couldn't believe it. They said they were proud of me and it was lovely for them to look at me and see that I'd 'made it'.

"Made it!" Made what? Become rich, famous, married a millionaire or become a successful business woman even? That's how I'd always defined the phrase "Made it!" I mean, look at me, what am I? What have I got? I'm married but with no children, I can't afford to give up work, we live in a rented flat, I work 39 hours a week in a factory (really intelligent work that is!!) and I've got no really worthwhile academic qualifications, just a few average C.S.E. grades, so fat chance of ever becoming a successful business woman!! And they reckon I've made it, well I'd hate to see some of those who haven't.

I've been wishing a lot recently. I wish I didn't have to worry about money (I want to start a family now), I wish I'd worked harder at school (I could have got much better grades), then at least I might stand a chance of getting a decent job. "Oh I wish I could start again!"

Sister 'M' said it was a comfort to her to see her ex-pupils come back as a success. But I'm not, I'm probably one of the world's biggest flops.

I saw Sister 'M.A.' today, she was my friend and sort of pen-pal while I was at school. I haven't been in touch with her for a few years now. She's a lovely lady, so much 'pep' and 'get-up-and-go'. Now she is someone who made it (I think!). She's eighty two nearly, unbelievable to look at her, she doesn't look a day over sixty - and that's no exaggeration (I wish I could be more like her, she's great).

Sister 'M.A.' wasn't in the least bit angry or offended with my lack of correspondence, she was just delighted to see me and made me feel quite special. (Oh I wish I'd kept in touch!)

(*for info* My own brother and sister were pupils at my old school at this point.)

My sister and I went to 'H's' cafe for a coffee at break time. We took the side gate out, which brought back a few memories I can tell you. It goes through the courtyard of small but thriving businesses and it was here that I suddenly remembered a man who had a kind of timber firm there.

He was really nice and his son 'Tom' was a year below me at school. I often used to sit round there for a chat and a cigarette, especially when I felt things were getting too hard to handle at home or at school.

I was often getting caught for smoking and skiving (I wish I hadn't done that now!). Anyway, I looked back up the yard and saw an old man polishing something outside what used to be the old timber shop, so I thought I'd enquire anyway about Mr 'X' ( I wish I could remember his name): "Excuse me" I said. "Could you tell me what happened to the gentleman who used to do the wood?" "That was me" replied the old man. I laughed slightly and said: "Oh no, it wasn't you, this must be going back a few years now (thinking at the same time 'and you're an old man, he wasn't) oh, and he had a son called 'Tom'.

With this, the old man excused himself and went back into the workshop: "come in a minute" he called, "now, what were you saying?" "oh yes," I began to repeat myself when I suddenly saw his face properly and I saw the same warm fatherly features I remembered.

"It was you!" I exclaimed, then spent the next five minutes apologising and wishing I'd kept my big mouth shut as usual.

Mr 'X' laughed kindly and explained that he'd been very ill recently, this was how he'd come to lose his hair and look so much older. He looked so well when I last saw him, I just couldn't believe how much someone could go through and change, in the space of what I worked out to be a maximum of two years.

I wish I could remember his name! He remembered mine and recalled the times I used to sit round the yard just praying for the day I could leave school and 'be free'. He also remembered when the big day finally arrived...

I called round to the yard before I left, to say goodbye to everyone, and promptly burst into tears. Looking back now it must have been really funny. Just like a released prisoner banging on the gates begging to be let back in again.

When we finally left the yard, we carried on to 'H's' 'Hall-of-Memories' cafe for our cup of coffee. I remember my sister saying: "He's a lovely man isn't he!" To which I had to agree (I'm glad she's not like me).

I've done a lot of thinking today, about one thing and another, and the different things people have told me. Sister 'M.A.' gave me a few things to think about, like: "Memories are wonderful things to have, although given the chance to go back, no doubt there would be more than a few changes made. But, you must live to learn and to learn is, to live! It's never too late to try and make amends or to try and fulfil some of those little wishes but you must never lose hope and faith!"

Mr 'X' also gave me food for thought. He was delighted to hear I was married and one piece of advice was: "Don't ever be afraid to show your affection for him or put your arms around his neck and tell him you love him. That way you'll always have a happy man. Never hide your true feelings or emotions and that way, you'll always be happy!"

Mr 'X' said he'd been married for twenty eight years and all of those to one lady - and he's proud of it. (I hope my husband will feellike that one day.) Mr 'X' says: "It's by no means all a bed of roses but if you love someone or something enough, it's worth sticking out and working for and, by that alone, the bond becomes stronger each day." He also said that if I make sure I know my own priorities and keep them in the right order, I will never be lonely or unhappy. And, always try to be there for other people because where would you be without them - Whoever they are?!

It's funny really, thinking back now I realise that despite everything Mr 'X' must have been through, he never once moaned or felt sorry for himself, his main concern was for other people. He really does care about others!

My sister was right, he is a lovely man, as were everyone I saw today, they're all special. I realise now that there are more important things to life than fortune, fame and material wealth. life's too short to have regrets and bear grudges and, although the grass may look greener on the other side, the richer grass is that which you've sown, reared and cared for yourself.

When I've finished writing this, I'm going to write to Sister 'M.A.' . I'm going to do it now because I don't know what tomorrow holds.

Then, I'm going to try and do all the things I was going to do tomorrow that I should have done yesterday. I've remembered Mr 'X's name - it was the least I could do.

I love my husband much more than I could ever say and I'm going to make a point of telling him as soon as he comes home from work tonight. I'm lucky to have such a good husband, always patient and kind, which is something I don't always deserve.

We're in the process of buying a house at the moment, near the sea. It's small and old and needs a lot of tender, loving care and it's quite a way from where we'd have liked but it's a start - and, to be honest, I love it.

I took a course in dog grooming a couple of years ago, so I am now a qualified dog beautician and, when we move, I can hopefully start up a business clipping etc. I'll have to do it part time at first but once I become established in the area, I can also think about starting a family and run the two together.

My factory job is rather soul destroying but I have got one of the best jobs there - I'm out in the yard and the company did put me on a fork-lift course, from which I've earned myself a certificate to say I'm a competent fork-lift driver.

Oh, and I'm looking into taking up evening classes to better my education, I'll probably only be able to manage one course at a time but at least I'll have something at the end of it

I've been for a job interview with a Marketing and Advertising company, as I'll have to leave the factory when we move. I should get the result next week but, even if i don't get this one, there are plenty more jobs I can apply for.

I'm taking a good look at my life at the moment and I realise now just how lucky I am. I've got my health and there are so many people around me who care. Life's too short to resent what I haven't got and it's time I started appreciating what I have got - be it material or otherwise.

From now on, it's going to be: "I'm going to...!!" instead of : "I wish I had...!"

My teachers could be right after all, at least I know my priorities now. I've still got a lot to learn but I think...

...I've nearly made it!!