The Start of a Breaking Heart (27/12/1987)

When my first husband died in 1992, his personal effects were passed to me. In amongst them I found a number of letters and cards that I had given to him over the years. This is a copy of the letter I wrote to him when he left me on 27th December 1987...

Dear 'H'

I have got to write this down, as I know if I try and say it, it will come out all wrong.

Lat night was the worst night of my life and I don't want to have to go through it again.

I can understand you wanting to help a friend out but I'm not sure of myself and you any more. I'm not trying to cross-examine you but I would like some questions answered (truthfully) and it's not because I don't believe or trust you, because I do.

How close a friend were you? Because if you weren't that close, why ring you after four years. If you were at 'the garage' how did she get your number at 'the depot'?

Why did it take from 6:30pm to 2:30am to help her out?

Will you be seeing her again and how well did you get on last night?

Do you think you would like to get to know her better and maybe break away from me?

I know these questions may sound stupid, jealous and bitchy, but they're not meant to.

I just need to know, now, whether you are seeing someone else and we are to finish or whether you want me for good. I promise I won't go beserk if you slept with her last night and I won't walk out either - unless you want me to.

I don't want anyone else, I love you so much and I need you more than you'll ever know. Please don't let us follow our parents' example, please just promise each other honesty - no matter how hard it is.

Put yourself in my shoes last night. I had no warning, no choice. You said you wouldn't be that late. Half past two you came in to tell me you'd spent the night round a girl's that I don't know. You took her to the river, sat listening to records and watching videos.

You wouldn't take it from me. Going out is one thing but you always know where and when I'll be home and if you are really honest, if I told you that I had been alone with some bloke I knew, in his house from 6.30 - 2.30, I wouldn't be surprised if you went beserk and left me (if you're really honest).

I'll make you a promise that there'll be no more nights out for me like the 'works do' unless you're with me.

Please tell me what you want from me. I need to know now.

What's past is past. I want to work on the future, hopefully with you but what will be will be. I know I'm a bitch and I know I've let you down recently where love and money is concerned but when I know where I stand with you, I'll know what to do to improve it.

The ball's in your court, I'll always love you but I'll never hold you.

Please choose and do what you want and be happy.

All my love
'R'
xxx


I never got a written reply. I remember taking the train from work into the city and calling him to meet me. I gave him this letter, asked him to read it and then to please give me an answer.

I'll always remember that moment. He read it, put it back in the envelope and answered me with: "I don't know!" He then took me home, collected some of his stuff and moved back to stay with his father.

I was devastated - my marriage was over and I hadn't seen it coming!!